Late Night With Tyler

This Entry Provided in Part By: PBS

2010-05-23T14:59:00.009-06:00

I often wonder if the types of television shows we exposed

ourselves to as kids have anything to do with how we are

today. I didn't watch anywhere near as much television as

it will seem after reading this entry, but most of the shows

I watched were a bit violent, and action-packed. When I

reflect on myself, I would actually consider myself rather

peaceful, and most definitely not action-packed. Maybe

all that is to take from the shows we used to watch is

that guitar-tapping is not used in media anywhere near

as much as it should be these days (Fox News actually

hasn't gotten the memo to stop using it yet). Here I

have broken down a few of the elements of shows I used

to watch that may have had an effect on the way I turned

out, or what I now choose to surround myself with.

Might as well start with the most obvious-

Barney was a part of most every toddler's life. He was a

role model, a friend, and most likely a product of an exotic

hallucination experience had by a PBS executive. Barney

(and his racial spectrum of friends) planted charitable, and

loving traits into our generation. I mean, just take a look

at the great deeds that are coming from Barney's purple

loins that are being bestowed upon society every day:

First of all, Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez were both

Barney kids at one point. Both of those brilliant minds

have now gone on to do extraordinary things for the field

of music. Because kids can never be exposed to too

much 2-dimensional music about secrets and first kisses.

Moving on...

Power Rangers was my absolute favorite show as a

child. I remember being fascinated by their different

colors and special powers. I wouldn't have be able

to put my finger on it then, but now I can see that I

was drawn to the fact that they all had things that made

them themselves. They all had special talents that

only they could do to protect the rest of the rangers.

And now, it also becomes apparent to me that this

theme song most likely gave me my only special

defensive power- writing really obnoxious guitar parts and

emotionally shallow lyrics as a defense mechanism

against potential friends.

Yeah, remember this day-ruining show? Seldom did I

ever watch past the opening theme, and I'm guessing

it was because they shove like 5 seasons worth of plot

lines down your throat in under a minute. However, the

opening theme has also taught me a couple life lessons-

For example, the creature at 0:46 has served, till

this day, as a perfect light on the simile "literally ugly as hell".

Puzzle Place! I used to adore this show. The only two

people that I've met that know this show are Natalie

Timpson and Ariel Hendrix. Which means they most

likely share my intolerance for people in America that

don't speak perfect English, because this show CLEARLY

displays that no matter where you are from, you can speak

perfect English. Actually, I think that might have been the

underlying plot to every episode. Even Sky can do it, and

he was probably introduced to variety of psychedelic

substances before he could even finish a puzzle.

This show reflects perfectly the character of the bowl cut

I had when I watched it. This clip is really long, and I

would highly suggest not watching the whole thing, but

I would like to first point out that this is without a doubt

the worst theme song ever, and second, that the

conversational exchange between the crooked cops

might actually be worse than that of the popular 2009

Dylan Self production Cop of the Line.

I had sort of a weird connection with this show. I used

to collect the toys before I even knew that the show

existed. So you can only imagine the excitement that

was felt when I realized that there was a Beast Wars

show in addition to the toys. An excitement that can

only be compared to that of the excitement felt by

Little Foot when he finally finds The Great Valley. If

you have the time, watching this entire clip might

render itself an entertaining experience to you, but

if not, there are a couple things you need to know:

1. United States of Eurasia was written about the dispute

over Energon.

2. 5:18- Tyler Tingey

3. 15:20- Spencer Tingey

And last, and most definitely least- Lamb Chop's

Play-Along. I've actually never seen an episode

of this show. Probably a good thing. I'm not sure

if it makes me happy or sad that entertainment for

kids can no longer be provided by a sock with

eyebrows, or a dwarf woman singing a song about

bouncing your anal cavity to different locations.

Ending while that last sentence's picture is still

fresh in your mind,

Minor Roles

2010-02-06T22:44:00.004-07:00

I can basically sum up my childhood up with the sentence "I grew up on a cul-de-sac with my best friends". I cannot imagine a better location to have grown up in because of the wide variety of experiences and personalities that would present themselves to the children of the cul-de-sac.

Remember on shows like Hey Arnold how there would be some ridiculous minor role character that was known for one thing and just appeared in one episode? Yeah, we had those on the cul-de-sac. For the most part, those of us that lived on the street just kept to ourselves. We weren't allowed past the mailbox on the right side of Dylan's house, which made everyone to the right of the mailbox a minor role character.

Possibly one of the most memorable of the minor role characters is Tornado Kid. He was apparently a grandson or nephew of the old witch that lived just outside of the mailbox, and he only visited once just for a few days. I first encountered Tornado Kid when I had gone outside to play and noticed all the other cul-de-sac kids were gathered around the mailbox and there was one boy that I didn't recognize standing on top of the mailbox. When I arrived I found that he was talking about how his school specializes in tornado tracking and how they have codes that they say when they find one. As a 7 year old, this was believable. Then he started talking about how he had an invisible watch that told him where all the tornados were, but he couldn't show it to us. The only other thing I remember about Tornado Kid was that one time during his stay I walked into my room in my underwear and he was outside of my window with his face pressed against it. I also recall him throwing a rock at Spencer's face.

Another character is a kid named Kalob. I remember he was really intimidating and always wore black. And whenever something good or bad would happen he would say "Thank Hitler" or "Oh my Hitler". I'm laughing to myself right now...

There was an older kid on the col-de-sac named Adam that didn't hang out with us because he was in 6th grade or something really old. But Adam would sometimes have his friends over and they would skate on a rail and ramp that they had made in the street and I, who happened to love the idea of being good at skating, was fascinated by them. The only time I remember coming in contact with Adam's friends was when Spencer and I had just gotten our first packs of Pokemon cards and they wanted to trade with us. In Spencer's first pack that he ever got, he got a Charizard. Since we had just started collecting earlier that day, we didn't know that having a Charizard card was the point that every Pokemon collector strived to get to, and Spencer happened to get one in his first pack. Adam's friends knew that we didn't know that, so one of them traded a less-rare generic card for Spencer's Charizard. I'm pretty sure that kid is living behind a Blockbuster and is addicted to heroin, so justice kind of served itself.

Dylan, Spencer, I know I'm missing some good ones so please elaborate on the stories I've listed and add more stories as they come to you.

And then all the sudden there's a formula.

2009-12-14T19:35:00.006-07:00

"And then all the sudden" stories. We hear them more than we probably notice. In my opinion, telling these types of stories in attempt to have a sincere comedic effect is a lost cause to those with at least SOME clue as to what is socially acceptable. Luckily for you, I'm here to diminish your sense of humor. And with that responsibility, I have mapped out the formula so that you can make your very own "And then all the sudden story".

Transition Options:

and then, all the sudden, out of the clear blue, out of nowhere, and then straight up.

Formula:

Transition(2) + ridiculous addition to a real situation with no perception of a socially acceptable conversation x inaccurate information from a current event + obtrusive entrance of a character x childhood TV star committing a felony + addition that brings the story to a dead end= A high class "And then all the sudden" story.

Example:

[Setting- High School Health Class]

Teacher: Okay, so the guest speaker should be here any minute now...

Dustin: (leaning over to Chase) Dude, it's like all the sudden Chuck Norris just straight up kicks the wall down and is like "I'M YO FREAKIN' GUEST SPEAKA YO!"

Chase: And then Kanye West comes in and is like "Das a pretty good round house kick, but Taylor Swift's round hou-(interupted by Dustin because his addition was too stupid, even for this story)

Dustin: No dude, and then all the sudden Barney comes in with a rocket launcher and just straight up starts pegging Chuck Norris with rockets and then Chuck Norris just round house kicks him in the nuts.

Chase: And THEN Kanye West comes and is like "Das a pretty good round house kick, but Tay-"

Dustin: Dude, you said that already.

SCENE.

---------------

Feel free to comment with a story of your own using the formula. You will know if you're doing it right if you feel like your IQ dropped significantly.

I'm glad they lost.

2009-12-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

As I submit more and more of my time to making my passion for music something permanent, I have been giving a lot of thought to where this motivation is coming from, and why from such a young age did I take music as a delicate art that required seeing as well as hearing, rather than white noise that makes you "happy" or "sad".

My association with the Green Valley High School 2005 Madrigals group was through my two cousins Wesley Tingey, and Emily Tingey. As a 12 year old, I was convinced that choir was the worst of all the performing arts classes. Despite my foolish opinions, I looked up to my cousins so much that I looked forward to seeing their group perform.

As I watched them walk on stage for the first time, I remember feeling very small. It wasn't so much that they were much taller than I was, but because they carried themselves like they had something that they knew could change how people live- and they had exactly that.

When the singers sang their first chord, I was immediately swept away with the 3-dimensional character that the unfamiliar style of music manifested. At that point, I was not familiar with the nature of harmony or chord structures, but I could see it very clearly as I listened to them. For me, music has always been defined by color. As I listened to the Madgrigals sing I could see the colors of the chord structures better than I could see them by listening to whatever generic rock music I was into at the time. I couldn't put my finger on it then, but in retrospect, I was so moved by that first chord because I realized that the music and the emotions were coming from actual people rather than actual people playing an actual instrument. As someone who plays an instrument, I can say that the manner in which instrumentalists show emotion through their instrument is very delicate. I know that if I'm having a more difficult day, and I come home and play a relaxing chord progression or melody to get my mind in order, I can still hear that I'm having a difficult day just in the way that I play even if I play it in the exact same physical manner that I would play it with a relaxed mind. The distorted emotion isn't coming from my playing of my instrument, or in my ear, but it's the empty space between the two. Now, with that being said, expressing emotion through choral music is delicate on a different plain because there is no middle man between the mind and the empty space. What you hear is the first hand account of the emotion being expressed by the musician. And in that choir I saw through hearing that this was a group of 40+ close friends expressing an identical emotion. That was an extraordinarily powerful, and effective subconscious realization to my 12 year old mind.

As the school year progressed, this high school choir went on to be esteemed as one of the best choirs in the nation. The 2005 Green Valley High School Madrigals ACDA recording is, till this day, the most purchased ACDA recording in the 50 years that the national convention has been active. With such momentum, the choir went on to compete in a competition in California. After an outstanding performance, all of the judges gave them near perfect scores. All of the judges but one, who, apparently escaped from preschool and decided competition time overlapped nap time, and gave them a low score because he was unconscious during it. The low score brought the winning average down and the choir "lost".

For all of these years I have thought about this choir as the group that was cheated because of some judge that was probably experiencing a side effect of fatigue from some E.D medication he was taking. But I reflect on it a little bit differently now. Music is a visual art. Painters have a canvas, and history shows that painters have expressed some of the most complicated emotions ever expressed within the limits of that canvas. Now what does that say about the responsibility of musicians? For musicians, everything that is not currently occupied with mass is our canvas- and that includes human emotion. If the listener's mind allows, music can paint pictures from corner to corner of an individual's imagination. And with choral music, this concept is brought to a new plain because it is being produced by the most sincere instrument of all- the actual genesis of the emotion. The 2005 Green Valley High School Madrigals were an example to me of what emotion can and should be- something to be valued, pondered, and most importantly- seen with one's imagination. If this choir would have gotten their deserved placing at the competition their legacy would be defined as "the group that won". What kind of primary achievement is a trophy and a title of winning one of the nation's most prestigious choral competitions compared to literally explaining the theory of human emotion to a 12 year old? I'm now going into college as a music major, and I will be a musician, and an artist of emotion for the rest of my life because of this principle taught to me by a high school choir. I'm glad they lost this competition, because it meant that they won.

You can just call me Mr. C.

2009-11-10T18:29:00.011-07:00

We're all familiar with the feeling of turning into a classroom to find a stranger with a tag around their neck in place of your teacher. Sub days have an entirely different energy than regular days. Kids that never speak out in class all the sudden become miserable comedians, and for some reason EVERYONE has to use the restroom. If you are like me, you may have recognized a little bit of a trend in substitute teachers. Well, I broke down a couple of the familiar types of substitute teachers. Let's have a look-see-

Ah yes, the insecure sub. At the start of class, this sub will usually have to take a couple minutes to get the class to quiet down, and it is usually a student that actually makes the effective order. Once the class has given the sub their attention, this sub will smile nervously and then give a brief background on himself saying things like "I'm from a small town in northern New Jersey, but I gotta tell you- I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan", just praying that someone from the class will say "Red Sox fan? Pshh! You have got to be kidding me! Yankees all the way man!" just so he can plug himself into an almost non-existent high school sub-culture so he can add a pebble to his pride bucket. This never works.

This sub will then proceed to tell everyone what the agenda is. He will nervously look through the class-plans that the teacher scribbled down and will ask questions like "Uh, now do you guys usually do your warm-up exercise on the board before the vocab? Or..." After someone gives them proper instruction, the class begins to do their warm-up. After the class finishes their warm-up, they pass it up to the front person in each row like they do everyday. Then the sub will say "Uh, I'm actually not collecting it today..." and so everyone passes it back. The next day your real teacher will say "Ok, so yesterday's sub collected some of the classes' homework, but not all of them. Did he collect yours?", and then some kid will say "No, that sub was way sketchy! He kept looking at Talia!".

The laid-back sub. This is the type of sub that seems to only exist on Friday. His kind-of-cool presence will be enough to get the class to listen to him shortly after the tardy bell rings. He will then say something along the lines of "Hey guys, I'm Mr. Callahan, you can just call me Mr. C. Uhh...today is a pretty chill day, we're just going to watch *looks at the DVD case* Dirty Jobs. It's about pigs. It's pretty awesome." Then he says my favorite line- "Oh hey guys, before I start the movie, I have one rule. If I see anyone sleeping I'm putting your name down for your teacher and they can do what they want with you. So...no sleeping. Good."

At one point he will turn down the movie and say "Hey guys, I understand we're a little chatty because it's Friday, but lets try to keep it down just a little bit...sweet."

Ugh, the sub that makes you think about the b-word, and addresses herself as a "Guest Teacher" rather than a substitute. She's still a substitute.

For some reason the class tends to be the most out of control when they see this type of sub on the scene. She stands at the front of the class in the beginning of class, and waits a minute after the tardy bell rings. Then shouts "I need everyone to quiet down and be sitting in their assigned seats! I'm going to take role". She then proceeds to take attendance, butchering everyone's name, and then she comes to you and says the wrong name. You correct them and she looks at the seating chart and says "You're supposed to be sitting over there". You try to explain that the teacher switched you with another student for some reason (in a cloudy voice, because you weren't expecting to talk), then she responds "Well, just sit in the seat that I have you in for today", in a frustrated tone.

Then onto the agenda. She says "Okay, we're going to watch a film, and it says here that you must complete this pink worksheet along with the movie. That is due today".

This sub will often say things like "I'm not going to talk over you", or "I'm not going to remind you guys again to keep it quiet".

This guy, (who will remain nameless) is the type of sub that will hardly say a word the entire period, besides when he asks for someone to help him figure out how to work the DVD player, or when he says "There's already 3 people using the restroom so just hold on a minute".

Why is it that when a circumstance calls for people only to use the restroom when it is an emergency, every single instance is an emergency?

This sub will learn the name of the "bad kid", and will write it down on the report sheet.

And then on a completely unrelated note, this sub will get charged for domestic battery.

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All pictures brought to you in part by Google Images. It's amazing what you can find when you type in specific descriptions of people.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more.

2009-10-15T21:34:00.005-06:00

I had a very interesting feeling as I was setting up the soccer field by myself early this morning. There were a couple of tractors on the opposite side of the field doing some unnecessary construction for our undeserving baseball team. One of the tractors started backing up and the same beeping noise tractors always make began to sound. I immediately paused in my slave work and flashed back to the mid 90's, playing at a park in Mississippi with wood chips instead of sand, and a perimeter completely composed of thick trees instead of stucco houses that all look the same. With this memory I can quietly hear the chanting choruses of Smashing Pumpkin's 1979, and The Cranberries' Dreams. I'm not burdened with Major Work Study Guides for poorly written books, or a desire to wear anything more stylish than teal overalls.

I vividly remember sitting in a corner of the park by myself several times, and staring at the light blue southern sky, and looking around at the golden brown eternities of forest around me. I never played on the swings, or had a desire to play with the other kids that came and went on the other side of the playground. I would just sit and listen to myself breath, and think about the colors I was looking at, the music my mom was listening to on the radio on our way there, or the tractors that were beeping faintly far from the surface of my attention.

Often times I think about how many things are changing. How my friends are all at college, how I can drive myself where ever I need to go, or how I expect myself to make fully thought-out long-term decisions each and everyday. And it is so easy to dwell on that. In fact, we're told to focus on the future. But what I realized is that what gives me confidence for the future is the momentum of the past that is pushing me, and the thoughts and feelings that have stayed with me my entire life, forward. The matter isn't that at one point I was playing at a forgotten park in Mississippi, and now I have to face the real world and make real decisions. The matter is that the same hands that used to play with the wood chips at the park, are now applying for college, writing sincere music, and preparing for a mission. They are the same hands.

Just because I'm not literally observing the geographical features of Mississippi, doesn't mean I'm not doing it everyday in the way that I conduct myself.

Rotten Tomatoes

2009-10-07T22:27:00.005-06:00

73%

TOMATOMETER

How does the Tomatometer work

Rated: R (the F-word is heard more than twice during the duration of Tyler's life)

Runtime: TBA

Genre: Musical

Theatrical Release: Apr 30, 1992

Box Office: All the resources on Earth minus Tyler Tingey's carbon footprint.

Synopsis: Tyler Tingey [Tyler Tingey] was never one to talk to farm animals. But one day, Tyler's world was turned topsy turvy. Tyler is perfect for the entire family [if you have 90+ years to spare, and your family members are masochists]. Experience a world with Tyler as he writes and creates Grammy nominated music with his closest friends, and breaks his thumb, but doesn't go to the Doctor for 4 months because Oliver Tingey [Oliver Tingey] is a rotten, terrible, piece of...[more]

Starring: Tyler Tingey

Director: God

A look into the man they call "T-Money", "T-lishious-T", and "Oliver Tingey's Cousin"- that's what "Late Night with Tyler Tingey" has generously given the world- a guide to understanding the man behind the guitar. And heaven above knows we needed one. What used to be clicked only upon finding no notifications on facebook has become a bookmarked favorite on everyone's mac computers.

It's summer in Las Vegas, and your children are waiting in an idle car on the driveway. But your life is in idle until you peer into the mind of Tyler Jordan Tingey. The children can wait. - Wesley Tingey, Brigham Young University

Being with Tyler has been like purchasing a Mac. He never changes physically. He may get some dents and scratches (a beard or an afro) but overall he doesn't change. He's still the same height, looks the same and he hasn't gained a pound (except those couple pounds on the church history trip that none of US notices but Jessica Welch certainly did...). But here's the thing about a Mac... you download all the updates and iLife and make it better and better! ...or in some cases (Tyler's) weirder and weirder. But mostly better and better. - Oliver Tingey, Brigham Young University

Even in the wake of today's economic climate, the surplus of Tyler's lucrative social presence has been both plentiful and undeniable. In accordance with the kitsch and postmodernity of his humor (the progressive experimental nature of which he is so innocently unaware of) Tyler has, however, sparked heated debate across the board. Audiences will surely be divided, but either way you look at it, it's impossible to deny Tyler's warm intent. - Dylan Self, University of Nevada Las Vegas, www.dylanself.blogspot.com

Tyler Tingey is a... person. While his life has generally retained a traditional sitcom feel, it has recently taken a turn to appeal to ... [an] indie audience. ... stylistic romp. - Spencer Tingey, Brigham Young Univerisity

Too bad the 3D glasses can't fix the poor writing. - Dave Libarger, eFilmcritic.com

Happy Birthday Spencer!

2009-09-27T21:27:00.000-06:00

In honor of this special day, I’m going to shoot a couple of my latest favorite Spencer quotes:

Spencer: What were you doing at the gym?

Abby: Running.

Spencer: That’s what the world is for.

——————————————————

“They could have been Gods…” - in response to a recent video of Dream Theater after they had gained a significant amount of weight.

——————————————————

“Nude is a very hard song to look up.” - while trying to find music for Radiohead’s “Nude”. (via Oliver Tingey- the newly hired Sr. Spencer Tingey corespondent)

Have a good one, buddy.

Can I Tell You Guys Something?

2009-09-27T21:26:00.001-06:00

You know when you have a twitch and it doesn’t go away for awhile so you tell someone to check out your twitch and then right when they look it stops and then you try to make it keep twitching but it doesn’t? I hate that.

Sincerely,

Second Verse

2009-09-27T21:25:00.000-06:00

It’s unfortunate how many songs I know that I can sing along to the first verse, air guitar all the guitar riffs, sing the chorus, sing the poorly thought out bridge that is in C#m when the rest of the song is in A#, and of course all the vamps of the final chorus. But when the second verse comes, I’m clueless. I’ve never been one to pay close attention to lyrics, or especially the meaning of lyrics simply because I like to see if the music does a better job of explaining, but here are a couple of my favorite second verses, and why they are worth remembering their existence-

Wrapped Around Your Finger/The Police: I love the deep, syncopated tone that the bass provides in this second verse. The lyrics lay down a foundation for that type of sound by using buzz words like “deep” and “blue” and “sea”. About half way through the verse Stewart Copeland lays down the snare on 4, and puts a straight tempo on it. The verse does a great job at giving contrast to help the listener realize the more intimate meaning of the song, as well as representing the feeling through almost “visual” ties between the lyrics and the rhythm/counter melody.

Hamburg Song/Keane: This is a terribly depressing song, but second verse is a wonderful example of conserving energy throughout the song to somewhat match the natural thought process of giving thought to a sad situation. In this case, the second verse is directly after the first verse. The two verses are almost identical, but the second verse has a very subtle piano part that gives the listener the effect that the piano is just repeating the lyrics in an unfamiliar language. The lyrics are very desperate and sincere, and give a natural build up to the song because the listener obtains more and more sympathy for the story.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room/John Mayer: I’ve always admired this song for its ability to tell the entire story within the main riff alone. If it was instrumental I would still probably call the song “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room”. On the second verse of this song, the guitar backs off a little, and the lyrics manifest a more “broken down” and “honest” side of the story. Anger becomes a main emotion in the song that is balanced by a sense of “most of me doesn’t want to stay mad at you, but how can you do this?”. An emotion I can’t quite relate to, but is made very real by the second verse of this song.

If you’re interested in analyzing these verses feel free to give them a listen and let me know what you interpreted!

Spark Notes

2009-09-27T21:24:00.000-06:00

My dear friend Dylan Self (www.dylanself.tumblr.com) brought up an interesting thought the other day. What if you could read your life on Spark Notes? I’ve never been a big user of the website since I got caught plagiarizing in 8th grade, but I can bet my life is a tad bit more interesting than Lord of the Flies (though I’ll admit, there’s nowhere near as much cloudy Christian symbolism).

If you’re bored out of your mind, I will now present to you my Spark Notes!

TITLE: Tyler Tingey (117 vol.1/5)

CHAPTERS:

I Tyler, Being Born of Goodly Parents
M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I
The Cul-de-sac
The Fall of the Cul-de-sac
Long Hair, and an Element T-shirt
Moab
Post Moab (Tyler gets caught plagiarizing)
Me Likes Choir
Viva la Vida
Orchids

PLOT SUMMARY: 117 vol.1/5 is the story of a boy who has changed very little in his first 17 years of existence. Tyler Tingey (protagonist) has a life based around supportive friends and family, and most of all- music. Tyler’s foundation comes from experiences and friendships made in his childhood. 117 vol.1/5 has been criticized by readers saying “Tyler should make more of an effort to be appealing to women”. Tyler often feels uncomfortable writing a plot summary on his life.

MAIN CHARACTER ANALYSIS: (in order of who Tyler has texted most recently)

Oliver Tingey- A constant main character in 117 vol.1/5. Tyler often thinks about things he can improve within himself so that he can be more like Oliver. Oliver is a leader among his social circle. He is looked up to for his responsibility, and feared for his cold exterior. Tyler and Oliver share a deep passion for choral music and it plays a big role in their friendship. Tyler spends more time with this character than any other character in the story. Many readers think it is because he values his company the most.

Spencer Tingey- Another constant main character throughout the story. The friendship between Spencer and Tyler is one of the most playful relationships in the story. Spencer is seen as someone with an enormous amount of humor and wit, as well as someone who is extremely knowledgeable about the universe and the dirty tricks it plays. Tyler often reflects on his friendship with Spencer and typically laughs to himself as he recalls how fun, valuable, and at times, serious their friendship is. Spencer is the most beneficial character in the story.

Dylan Self- Many readers of 117 vol.1/5 consider Dylan to be Tyler’s best friend. Dylan is introduced as a main character in the very beginning and continues to be a main character in the end. Dylan’s friendship with Tyler is one that is misunderstood by everyone except Dylan and Tyler. Every word they say to each other has a story behind it. One of the greatest bonds between Dylan and Tyler comes from their ability to make music together. Those who have studied 117 vol.1/5 believe that the reason Dylan and Tyler play their respective instruments together so well is due to the fact that they have the exact same childhood. Dylan struggles with homosexuality.

Abby Tingey- Tyler’s friendship with Abby is considered by some to be the most essential friendship in the book. Tyler relies on Abby as someone that he can talk about everything and nothing to. Rumors of Tyler and Abby dating were popular among North America, but denied by the publishing company. When caught in the right mood, Tyler has been known to peg his friendship with Abby as “something [that] means the world to me”.

Jules Cruz- Jules is responsible for any ounce of personality or happiness in Tyler’s life. Although his character isn’t introduced till the chapter “Me Likes Choir”, Jules still plays a very vital role in the story. Jules brings light and life to the book, which has resulted in one of the most valuable relationships that Tyler has. Jules also struggles with homosexuality.

IMPORTANT QUOTATIONS: “Summer is burning me” -Spencer Tingey, as he puts on his seatbelt after church.

This Is How You Remind Me

2009-09-27T20:39:00.000-06:00

Nickelback

Theory of a Deadman
3 Doors Down
Staind
Shinedown
Seether
Cold
Hinder
Creed
Saving Abel
Alter Bridge
Fuel
Puddle of Mudd
Crossfade
Evans Blue
Burn Season
Hurt
Dark New Day
Ra*
32 Leaves
Earshot
Flaw
Black Stone Cherry
Rev Theory
Jet Black Stare
Midnight to Twelve
Course of Nature
Tyler Tingey (Honeymoon Suite EP)
Bulletproof Messenger
One Less Reason
Under the Flood
(in the clear)**
Throw the Fight
Advent
Vysion (pronounced as “vision” perhaps?)
Six By Silver
Modern Day Zero
10 Second Drop
Absolution Project
Dogfight
Erase the Grey
Epidemic
Deadsun
Tracenine
Absence of Concern
Daughtry
Buck Cherry

The other day I was listening to 94.1 (but who wasn’t?) and they played a Nickelback song, and then a Theory of a Deadman song. I could have sworn the two songs were the same so I decided to make a list of all the bands that sound like Nickelback. Not just “resemble” Nickleback, but that could BE Nickleback. The only things that are more redundant than their sound is their band names and album art.

——————

*If you don’t end up listening to any of these, at least look up Ra’s cover of Every Little Thing She Does is Magic. It’s not for those with weak stomachs…

**And if you thought their band name was interesting, (in the clear) has an album called ninetyseven11lyriclane. Apparently their keyboard had broken space and shift buttons.

V-Graph

2009-09-27T20:38:00.000-06:00

…V-graph is brought to you in part by our sponsor Dylan Self.

Fair In Height 2009

2009-09-27T20:37:00.000-06:00

———————————————— <—You must be this tall to read this blog

This is a terribly depressing picture. So depressing that I took the time to break it down ESPN style for you!

Let us first examine exhibit B: Tyler has grown a total of 1 inch(s) from 2-16-07 to 3-19-09.

Now on to exhibit A: Ryan has grown a total of 4 inches from 5-9-08 to 2-5-09.

Exhibit D: Tyler grew a couple of centimeters from 9-16-06 to 2-16-07

Exhibit C: Ha…

Exhibit E: Tyler has grown in 4 years what Ryan has grown in 1.

* also note how my Mom’s handwriting has progressively gotten more fun since 2005.

While I might not measure up on the ‘Wall of Height’, my heart remains a giant. And my soul a navigator- whose compass only points to destiny.

With love,

Good News!

2009-09-27T20:36:00.000-06:00

Roxanne and I have finally come to terms.

After a lot of one way conversation, Roxanne and I decided it would be best if while I’m at school, she works.

Some dogs are good at hunting, but this dog is good at JOB hunting. Rox nailed her first interview as a Valet Barker, and I couldn’t be more proud. Lets put our porcelain paws together for Roxanne and my failure to spend time wisely!

‘The Worst Metaphors of All Time’ with Tyler Tingey

2009-09-27T20:35:00.000-06:00

Oh choir trips, how I love thee.

First of all let me just let you know that the picture above is of a cat doing its thang on Newport Beach. My animal photography skills have Planet Earth running for its life.

The Anaheim trip was a success on a number of levels. Yes, it’s totes fun to go away and get your Disneyland on. And gotta love those high superior scores! But what will make this trip memorable is that I found my place at Coronado. Up to this point it has been a little cloudy to me why I am where I am. I’ve always enjoyed myself, but you know what they say: The grass is always greener in…Green Valley?

Being in Green Valley has its perks, and while they are plentiful, being where I am gives me what I need. Lets look at it this way: In my case alone, Green Valley could be compared to Captain Crunch Berries, and Coronado could be compared to Abby’s Grapenut Cereal. Heaven knows I love Captain Crunch Berries, but I’m better off going with Abby’s Grapenut Cereal because it has the vitamins and minerals and…grass that I need to carry me throughout my day. Now normally in real life, there’s no way I would touch Abby’s Grapenut Cereal, but in this case I’m all about the Grapenut Cereal. Not to mention it has a mineral called Jules that nourishes one’s soul. I’m convinved that mineral is the most important ingredient to my health. And I heard they are making Grapenut Cereal with 0 trans-Jules starting Fall 2009. Why they would do such a thing is beyond me. I’m well aware that I’d be having the time of my life eating Captain Crunch Berries. But so far I’ve been able to read the back of the box every single day and even more solidify my friendships I have with all the games and optical illusions while I eat my Grapenut Cereal, which is more than I could ask for. And as we all know, the back of the box is the best part anyway right?

This has been ‘The Worst Metaphors of All Time’ with Tyler Tingey.

Pulp Fiction

2009-09-27T20:34:00.000-06:00

Pulp Fiction.

117 THE SURGE

2009-09-27T20:33:00.002-06:00

Yes, that is a 50 cent Harley Davidson tattoo on my neck.

Yes, Jules is wearing a shirt that says “Don’t be a smokeasaurous”.

Yes, the brownies we are eating are called “Cosmic Brownie’s”.

Yes, the thing holding my Jones Soda says “CAUTION: I DROPPED OUT OF ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS”.

Yes, the thing holding Jules’ Mountain Dew says “OUT OF MY MIND I’ll be back in 5 minutes”.

Yes, I have a farmer’s tan.

Yes, it lowers my self esteem.

Yes, it obviously doesn’t lower my self esteem enough for me not to post pictures of me wearing a tank top.

And YES Jules and I are recording our own radio show available on CD soon!

Catch 60 Minutes of Pure Impact with .:T-licious-T:. and The AZN only on 117 THE SURGE!

…let me know if you want a copy. Think long and hard before you say yes.

Medicul de Birou (or death and all his friends)

2009-09-27T20:33:00.001-06:00

First things first- ‘Medicul de Birou’ is quite simply ‘The Doctor’s Office’ in Romanian. That Romanian Translator app on my phone was getting cob webs. It’s amazing how fast things stop being funny. And ‘death and all his friends’ is quite simply a Coldplay reference. It’s amazing how fast things stop being funny…

I went to the Medicul de Birou this week for a little checky check up. Now normally, I would take all the aspects of the Doctor’s Office that people might be able to relate to and talk about them. But right now I just want to talk about one thing.

What’s with that paper we have to sit on at the doctor’s office?! I mean, am I right? It’s like they want to measure our butt prints when we leave! Bah!

I’ll start blogging my age eventually,

Spencer.

2009-09-27T20:32:00.000-06:00

"If they fall- they will fall from Rock."

— Spencer D. Tingey while putting some vases on his bass amp.

It Doesn't Maeder How Well You Know Him

2009-09-27T20:31:00.000-06:00

May I present to you- Phil Maeder

May I now present to you- The handsome gentleman on High School Musical that LOOKS like Phil Maeder. Oh this is just gold…

...Fair Enough

2009-09-27T20:30:00.000-06:00

Girl: I hate that all the bands on the radio sound the exact same.
Tyler: Yeah, seriously. What's your favorite band?
Girl: Hinder.

BREAKING NEWS:

2009-09-27T20:28:00.001-06:00

BREAKING NEWS: Tyler’s Freaking Lodge has fallen victim to a terrorist attack

This morning at 11a.m Tyler’s Freaking Lodge was attacked in what seems to be a terrorist related act. After sobbing with his fake dog Roxanne for an hour and a half, CEO and Property Coordinator Tyler Tingey said the following:

“I came home from school and there it was. My entire enterprise collapsed on the floor. It’s just amazing to me that there’s people out there willing to kill so many innocent army men and indians. You know, it just kind of makes you think twice about what you have because you never know when its going to be gone.”

Our prayers are with Tyler and his surviving staff on this day. In response to the attack, congress has passed a bill to increase the fund to the study of Ranchullas by another 33 billion dollars.

All signs point to this man. He acted as a spy for a neighbor lodge known as “Howie’s Effing Ranch”. The blue indian worked on the lodge for 6 months before the terrorist attack. He later committed suicide by stabbing himself with his sword and then jumping off of a rusty thing hanging in what LOOKS like Tyler Tingey’s bathroom. Rest in piece, dream crusher.

Tyler's Freaking Lodge

2009-09-27T20:26:00.002-06:00

Welcome to Tyler’s Freaking Lodge!

Conveniently located in a place that looks like Tyler’s bathroom, Tyler’s Freaking Lodge provides a number of activities for the entire family such as Lodge Ball, and the viewing of Lodgrey Hepburn films!

Tyler’s Freaking Lodge is heavily guarded by his closet’s top of the line army men and indians. The only down fall to this luxurious homestead would be the bug problem. Massive spiders often eat the visitors of the lodge. We refer to these spiders as Ranchulas*.

The Freaking Lodge is equipped with dozens of vending machines- all of which only carry Cool Ranch Dorito’s. You’re welcome.

Here at TFL, we value the feeling of intimacy. That’s why we provide our very own milk. What makes this special is that our milk provider also fights crime! He prefers to be called the Milk Spectre.

We greatly look forward to your stay at Tyler’s Freaking Lodge. We have a saying here: If you are a remotely happy upper/middle class citizen, then your life could use farm-uch more! We pledge to make your stay a memorable experience via only employing plastic employees.

Something,

Tyler Tingey (CEO & Property Coordinator)

——————————

* Luckily, the Stimulus Package includes 56 billion dollars dedicated to the taming and study of Ranchulas.

Spencer.

2009-09-27T20:26:00.001-06:00

"I’m taking this rock with me."

— Spencer D. Tingey, as he was leaving Kakariko Village, and about to cross Hyrule Field in order to get the eye drops for the giant Goron at the top of Death Mountain…to get the Bigoron Sword and eventually begin to save Princess Ruto.

My Not-So-Celebrity Playlist

2009-09-27T20:24:00.002-06:00

Since I got iTunes, I’ve always thought having a Celebrity Playlist would be one of the coolest parts about being a celebrity. Being extremely involved with music myself, I think that the kind of music that someone likes and applies to themselves can say just about everything about a person. For instance- Zac Efron’s Celebrity Playlist is the shortest playlist on iTunes. It consists of two songs: Bad Day, and U Can’t Touch This…that pretty much sums up Zac.

Like Zac Efron, my Celebrity Playlist says just about everything about me too. I’m someone with a lot of different dynamics. I often joke around and try to find humor in things that I see everyday, and I also like to keep to myself and learn more about this kid that my mind controls. One of the greatest blessings in my life is being 16 and still being able to explore the corners of what I’m capable of*. Some of the songs on my Celebrity Playlist aren’t necessarily my all time favorite songs, but they are all defining songs. Let’s take a look at me:

White Shadows/Coldplay- This actually is my #1 favorite song. I absolutely love the visual feeling that it gives. It has no limits or walls, it’s just infinite. And the sentimental value is beyond words.

3x5/John Mayer- I’m not sure what it is about this song, but the first time I heard it I had never heard a more self-defining piece of music. It’s not the lyrics that does it, it’s the music. The dominant key, unresolved chords, energetic pre chorus, even MORE energetic chorus, quiet bridge, and quiet ending are all parts of the song that reflect parts of myself that may not make sense to anyone else. It also gives a solitary effect that I can relate to on a few levels, and will be able to relate to more as friends go to collage and on missions.

Unintended/Muse- Oh what a beautifully sassy song! This is a perfect example that all the good ideas of song writing have not been taken. As a songwriter myself, I have so much to admire about the energy, and tone of this song. Whether it be in music or in real life, I find so much beauty in simplicity.

Weird Fishes/Arpeggi/Radiohead- I got goosebumps just typing the name to this one. The first thing I do when I hear a song is put it to a color or picture. The visual part of a song is pretty much all I can hear. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi makes me feel like I’m 600 feet below the oceans surface, seeing nothing but deep blue in all directions. For those that know me, you know that I like to do what I call “productive daydreaming”. I do it 6 hours a day in a little place I like to call Coronado High School. The dancing guitar parts and unpredictable melody enhanced my productive daydreaming productivity by 300% in 2008.

In the Garage/Weezer- Haha this is by no means one of my favorite songs. But in Elementary School it was my #1 favorite song. I think it’s rather distasteful now, but the simplicity and awkward feel to the song defines a great part of Elementary School Tyler.

Echo/Incubus- I don’t have a favorite Incubus song, but I’ve always been partial to this one. I have a memory of crying in my bed in 6th grade because I thought the guitar part was so beautiful haha. It also reminds me of the generation of kids before me that I looked up to, and still model my life after. Wesley Tingey’s choice of friend’s have an effect on just about every step I take.

Fix You/Coldplay- [C://ERROR]

Glosoli/Sigur Ros- Completely changed the way I hear music. Possibly the last song I would listen to before I died.

When David Heard/Eric Whitacre- Choral music is emotionally superior to all other types of music. It’s not an opinion. Typically I think Eric Whitacre’s compositions are somewhat redundant, but I saw this song done by a Korean choir while I was at ACDA and it was without a doubt one of the most moving musical experiences of my life. It was 25 minutes long and I was begging for more. For those that know anything about music theory, the 5th over 4th chords in this song press the restart button on puberty. Amazing visual effect and is emotionally almost more than I can take.

So many other songs come to mind, but those are the huge musical foundations to who I am. This may have been terribly boring to read because, after all, I’m definitely not a celebrity. But I’d suggest to readers to give some thought to your own Celebrity Playlists. It’s always interesting to learn about yourself.

Oh, and why did I put an awful picture of me with a mustache above this post? Because part of everyone’s Celebrity Playlist is a picture that looks nothing like the celebrity.

*I explored everything there was to explore in myself physically about 5 seconds into basketball practice in 1st grade. Not much going on there.

Spencer.

2009-09-27T20:24:00.001-06:00

"She says what I feel."

— Spencer D. Tingey while listening to Teardrops On My Guitar, by Taylor Swift

The Taste You Can See

2009-09-27T20:22:00.000-06:00

Student I: This is Mr. Crowther. He sees EVERYTHING that goes on in the choir room.
Mr. Crowther: (has hand up to mouth hinting that students should improve their 'ah' vowel)
Student II: But can he see why kids love the cinnamony swirls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Mr. Crowther: Does it have messa di voce?
Student II: Flat your 5th, 4th and 7th, you F#dim!
Coronado Performing Arts Program: Cinnamon Toast Crunch! The taste you can see!

Scooby Dooby Who?

2009-09-27T20:21:00.000-06:00

Scooby

I remember the first time I met Scooby- It was a Sunday afternoon. August 3rd actually. I was taking a nap to the white noise effect of Bret Baier from Fox News’s voice. Then I felt a pain in my back- a pain that has lasted since that day. It appeared that an unfamiliar dog had jumped on me and woke me from my slumber. Subsequently, my younger siblings and all their friends jumped on the couch to play with it too. The words “Let me play with Scooby” were rich in conversation. I fell to the floor in a similar manner that Woody did on Toy Story when Andy pushed him off the bed to make way for Buzz Lightyear’s spaceship. Since that day, my home life has been less than perfect.

One time…I was on the couch, probably falling asleep to the white noise effect of Bret Baier from Fox News’s voice- When I hear a scratching on the back door. It’s Scooby begging to come in because it’s cold outside. I stared at him for a while (like I always do) and then reluctantly let him in. I checked the weather on my phone and it was like 32 degrees outside. Sissy…

Another time…I was in the Kitchen making some chicken tenders (Schwan’s only carries dinosaur shaped chicken tenders…I’m not complaining!) and I was walking and I tripped over him while he was sleeping in his corner…I know what you’re thinking-he’s got some serious nerve.

And just recently…I was on the couch, probably falling asleep to the white noise effect of Bret Baier from Fox News’s voice- when Scooby came onto the couch and started snuggling with me. Does he have any idea who I am? I played defense for my team, “The Thunder’s” when I was 9! Mutt…

Obviously your feeling my pain right now. I don’t know how I live with it either. But as I live day by day, I realize that my situation is an awful lot like ‘The Black Cat’ by Edgar Allan Poe…one of us is going to have to start shaping up. Maybe he should make an effort to not be so ‘potty trained’ all the time…

Roxanne

2009-09-27T19:38:00.002-06:00

I know the question that isn’t on anyone’s mind. And I have an answer. Yes, I am seeing someone. Her name is Roxanne, and she means the world to me. She’s showed me that friendship only needs three things: loyalty, solidity, and porcelain. This friday I took the day easy and spent my time with her. I got some pictures along the way for tabloid purposes. TMZ is going to have a cow when they see that the lead for Coronado’s barbershop is dating someone of this caliber.

TVXQ

2009-09-27T19:33:00.001-06:00

This is everything that is good in music.

And this is everything that is not…

——————————————-

TVXQ took Korean music media by storm in 2003 with their debut album: 明日は来るから(which loosely translates into ‘But Tomorrow Will Come’)*. Smash hits like “My Little Princess”, “My Destiny” and “My Mind and Soul”** had this possessive group of boys ranking as high as #22 on Korean pop charts. I’ve spent the afternoon researching the individuals in this remarkable boy band. I’ve found far more than I would ever want to know-

Blood Type (from left to right)

Xiah (prefers to be called XIAH…) - B

Mickey- O

U-Know (real name:유노윤호. Whatever you feel less dumb saying.)- A

Hero- O

Max- B

Height and Weight (accurate as of 2006)

Xiah-178cm 63kg

Mickey-180cm 64kg

U-Know-184cm 66kg

Hero-180cm 63kg

Max-186cm 61kg

Surprisingly that’s pretty much the only information I found on them. If you feel like ruining your day you can click the picture to watch a video…Mickey is really cute in HD.

——————————-

* The highest selling album with a name that doesn’t make sense since Goo Goo Dolls “Dizzy Up the Girl”

** All these names sound like episodes of Scrubs

Roller Toaster of Love

2009-09-27T19:31:00.000-06:00

Highlights from my new hit cooking series: Roller Toaster of Love-

Well, I guess there’s no getting around it so I better just say it- I’m an incredible cook. You’ll find that most of the friendships I have are made and kept by my ability to create edible masterpieces. For those of you who are stumped on bacon, pasta, brownies, and things of that sort- let me give you a hand. Or should I say an oven mitten?

Bagels

I’m assuming you guys have at least SOME cooking experience, so I’m going to start on a little bit of a more challenging level. Bagels are a great meal for those of you who are on the run and have a needy gut. Basically what we’re going to do here is pop these two raw bagels into the toaster. Now, I prefer just standard white bagels, but for those of you that have maybe a special visitor over- I would suggest using maybe blueberry or wheat. And if that doesn’t sweep them off their feet they must be wheat-arded. Once the raw bagels are in the toaster, we’re going to set the heat. Little did you know, your heat dial is also a personality test! If you set your heat anywhere from 1-3 you are afraid to commit, 4-5 means you just did the same setting of whoever used the toaster before you, and 6-8 means you want attention for how nuked your bagel is going to be. Once you make your choice, you bring the toaster oven close enough for you to look down at, count backwards from ten over and over again slowly. The purpose of this is to make it come out when you get to one. One minor flaw in this game though, the bagel receives information in the toaster to come out on any number except one. Causing you to blink a lot when it pops up because it scares the crap out of you. I don’t understand why I jump EVERY time it comes out. It’s not like I don’t anticipate it. It’s the same as saying “NO WAY” every time you see Star Wars episode VI when Darth Vader reveals that he is indeed Luke Skywalker’s father. Anyways, Once the bagel is baked and on a plate, it’s time to get creative. Get everything out of your fridge. Everything. I mean, we’re talking butter, jam, bu- actually just butter and jam. Did you know that the type of jam you use is also a personality test?! If you choose grape, like myself, it may mean that you enjoy the dark features of the bottle and there’s something about the words EZ-SKWEEZ that gets your taste buds a-truckin’. Also, you’re deep and introspective and can anticipate a death in your family by the time you reach 30. If you choose peach, you’re obligated to tell everyone that looks at it “Seriously it’s like the best jam ever. My Aunt made it and it’s so much better than it looks.” If you choose strawberry there’s a 90% chance that you also toasted your bagel at 6-8. After you’ve chosen your jam, go ahead and take a seat and enjoy. And while you’re at it- go ahead and hate yourself for getting your finger’s sticky because you touched the wrong part of the knife, and then managed to touch bread crumbs.

This has been Tyler with Roller Toaster of Love. It’s chefinitely been a pleasure to work with you today.

Spencer.

2009-09-27T19:29:00.000-06:00

"The wind is an enemy to my hair."

— Spencer D. Tingey -2/25/09 after calling shot-gun to his own car. I may be the only one that thinks this is funny…

Oh Morals Where 'Art' Thou?

2009-09-27T19:22:00.002-06:00

So I was thinking to myself- “Tyler, you son of a gun, if you get so much enjoyment from hearing and feeling what music has to offer, why don’t you try art?” To which I replied “Ok”. Note that the sensitive side of me is oddly intimidating when I’m talking to myself. So I started looking up paintings and artists, and looking at different time periods to see what I was able to feel the most. After a long while of searching I realized that I wasn’t feeling anything from any of the art. The messages were too complicated and specific for me to even try to relate to. So I guess the only thing left to do is children’s art. Lets take a look at what I found.

Hey! It’s a giraffe! What a wonderf- …wait…is that a weed leaf? …let’s ignore that for now.

Well look at you! Just hanging out and…lathering suggestively? Are your nail’s painted? Let’s call this painting ‘Aligaytor’ haha am I right? Or am I right?

 Wait a second. I think I’m actually getting a message from this one! let’s see…we shouldn’t respect people that are different than us. Hmm…looks like we’re looking at the first member of the Klu Ducks Klan, folks.

And what do we have here? An Obama impersonator? How about you make an effort to teach the kids how to be themselves! Can you do that for me President ‘Paw’rakk O’paw’ma?

Hey Tinkerbell! What could possibly be wrong with a painting of Tinkerbell? Look! That square on the right is an S! And that one on the left is a backwards E! Oh! And the middle one is an X! …are you kidding me?! Tinkerbell, you’re an idol to like every little girl on earth! Agh, moving on…

  Ah, nothing like some nice, clean, animal sketches. Ok…there is NO WAY that is a front leg! 

 Honestly buddy? You’re looking at that garbage? Disobeying the Law of ‘Catstity’ is only going to come back to bite you in the end.

 Alright well, that was a failure. At least we learned a few things- I’m not cut out for art, and children shouldn’t know what art is till they’re 21. 

Thailog

2009-09-27T19:20:00.000-06:00

For some unexplained reason my bottom lip has been swollen for the past 2 days. Here’s some really creative things people have said to me:

It looks like you got an STD.
It looks like you got an STD from a guy. (VERY creative)
You look like Thailog from that show Gargoyles!

…I’m guessing Thailog is the green one on the right?

I thrive on how predictable people are at school.* Of course my lip being swollen is going to turn into a huge deal to people who’s biggest concern is to make it look like they don’t have concerns.

—————————

* Besides the guy with the gargoyle comment…I didn’t see that one coming at all actually.

Apple Cliques

2009-09-27T19:16:00.002-06:00

Help prevent Apple cliques from happening in your community…and this post is funnier if you read it while holding your tounge.

Road Trips

2009-09-27T19:15:00.002-06:00

Ah, what better of an environment than a 9 seated automobile, the lingering scent of fast food, all four of your appendages* falling asleep, and the kind reminder on the top right corner of your phone screen kindly telling you that you do not have service?

I look forward to road trips. I always do. There’s just an energy that comes with the thought that you’re going sit in a car and try to entertain yourself for an extended period of time. And to help you with that, I’ve created a list of ‘phases’ that road trips seem to experience.

Let’s take a look-see shall we?

Phase I
Everyone is in the car, and full of energy because no one knows what kinds of laughs or memories will be made before they even reach their destination. Now, if you’re like me, you only take road trips to California or Utah. Either way you’re anticipating hours of desert.

Usually, in Phase I, the keeper of the iPod* will play fun music, maybe guilty pleasures that everyone shares, up beat 80’s songs, maybe a Rihanna song everyone knows the lyrics to. As long as it’s up beat it, and as long as someone will say ‘Oh! This is my jam!’** it will be played.

Also during Phase I, most of the “funniest jokes” will be made. Most of the “and remember when we said that thing at the same time” ‘s will be made. And all of the “Primm? Does anyone even live here? Haha am I right, or am I right?” ‘s will be made.

Phase II
Things are starting to wind down a little. Those that brought notebooks to draw on will do so now, at this point ‘lord of the iPod’ has just chosen a kind-of-good album from a neutral band to play all the way through. And someone typically starts to break out the “would you rather” scenarios. It’s not uncommon that people will laugh harder than they want to at the scenarios because they want to keep the energy that was in Phase I. Phase II is also the time that you might look at the clock at the front of the car that is off by 11 minutes and say to yourself ‘it’s only been an hour?’.

Phase III
There are two possible ways for Phase III to go. One way is- everyone just sits in the car and doesn’t talk while the kind-of-good music continues to play. The other is everyone falls asleep except for one person, and when everyone wakes up everyone says that they ‘weren’t really asleep’ and the person that was awake tries to get everyone to feel bad for them. Phase III ends when someone mentions that an odd part of their body like their ear ‘fell asleep’ and then everyone gets energetic again because you’re about to stop at In N Out.

Phase IV
Phase IV begins with everyone getting back into the car trying to find a cup holder to put their In N Out cups in and someone might mention that there is a scripture from John on the bottom of the cup, and then their self esteem will be shot down if someone says ‘duh’. The initial part of Phase IV is very similar to Phase I. Fun music and jokes that wouldn’t be as funny if everyone wasn’t trying so hard to make memories. And there’s usually a point in Phase IV that the car stops at a stoplight near the destination and everyone is silent. Maybe it’s just me, but for some reason I always get nervous when I’m about to reach my destination. For no reason at all, my stomach just drops when I know I’m almost there. Probably a symptom to pansy-ism.

There they are. The four phases. Or the ‘phour phases’. Note the energy levels in each of them and plan accordingly. But I’ll just tell you now that there isn’t anything that you can pack in your suitcase that can help you avoid trying look out the window and keep your eyes in one place. Ooo…maybe that only applies to me. But everyone goes to In N Out right?…right?
———————
* Not to be politically incorrect to those who have more or less than 4 appendages. (1st paragraph)
* Also known as the iGod. (Phase 1)
** Countless Timbaland songs have been ruined for me because people tell me that ‘it’s their jam’. So instead of thinking about what it would be like to hang with JT and Nelly Furtado I’m thinking about the kid that you see in assemblies in the ‘beginning guitar’ ensemble that would probably collapse to peer pressure really easily. (Phase 1)

Snooze Button (the friend that probably talks bad about you to other snooze buttons)

2009-09-27T19:15:00.001-06:00

My day starts to a ‘xylophone’ alarm at 4:50a.m. I sit up in my bed and notice a small oval button located at the bottom of the clock. Every morning it’s like I have never seen it before and I know that once I press it I’ll get the thing I want most in the world- 5 more minutes. This button doesn’t just give me more time to sleep and less time for me to do wasteful things like ‘floss’, it also erases minds. Because at this point I have probably pressed the oval button 6 times.

I don’t have bad days, I have good days and just days. ‘Bad day’ tendencies will happen everyday, so I choose to make bad days ‘just days’. What do I do differently to make my ‘just days’ turn into good days? I think it starts with the ‘5 more minutes’ at the begining of my day.

Let’s look through a couple everyday events shall we?

-You just start doing the warm-up in your math class when the teacher says “is everybody done?” without looking up to see your and the kid with his iPod head phones hanging out of his shirt’s hands up. She then takes a sip of whatever is in her oversized thermos with a hotel logo on it, still looking down, and says “Please pass your warm-ups to the front of the class and take out your flipbooks that we started yesterday”*.

- You step on the back of someone’s shoe and they give you a look that either says “how dare you scuff my $20 Reeboks?” or “We were in the same 3rd grade class so I’m just going to make eye contact with you, fix my shoe, and then continue talking to my abnormally overweight friend.”

- You make eye contact with someone that you kind of know and just as you decide that you know them enough to wave at them, they look away, which wouldn’t be bad if the girl walking between you didn’t see the whole thing happen**.

- As you walk into a class, your teacher (who is out-going and dedicated enough to stand out side the door and talk to the teacher next door) always manages to say something that you feel like you need to add to.***

- A teacher says ‘split up into your groups of 3, we’re going to continue working on our presentations, remember this is the LAST day you’ll have class time to work on this so make sure your hands are busier than your mouths’. If you’re anything like me you’re already bitter by this point because you’re in a group of 4 because you didn’t know anyone in the class and the teacher said ‘Is there a group that wouldn’t mind taking an extra member?” “Who?” says the kid that makes too many ‘that’s what she said’ jokes. “Mr. Tingey” replies the teacher trying to make me seem better so someone will just take me. “Come to our group Tyler!” says the girl that I will soon learn is a lesbian. “Sold” says the teacher, not knowing that she just nuked my self esteem.

- Someone behind you will say “Ew! There’s something on the back of your shirt!” They begin picking at something that you didn’t know existed while you try to act like you don’t care, while a few people look at you. “Ah, I think it’s like a booger or something!” then everyone starts to look at you. Later you’ll do a reach for your back to make sure its off and the kind person behind you will say “You’re fine, I got the booger off”.****

It looks like most of the bad things that happen in my day, or things that constitute a ‘just day’ will happen to me no matter what. Whether I wake up at 4:50, or I press the snooze button 5 times- I will always be vulnerable to ‘just days’.
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* I despise teachers that make students do flipbooks. I’m left handed, which automaticaly makes me a bad cutter (cuttist?) even if I have a good attitude about it. And there’s a good chance that I started it in pen and then spelled a word wrong so there’s a big scribble on the front.
** This happens a lot, there a couple ways you can make it seem natural: 1. You can quickly transition from waving to scratching the back of your head. Scratching the back of your head is always cool. Kelly Clarkson does it when she sings about ex boyfriends. So there’s your proof. 2. You can get your cell phone out fake laugh, and then pretend to text. I’m a huge fan of that one.
*** Example: Now it was Justin Timberlake and who that did that testy superbowl show? or ‘No, Tony Hawk is known for doing a 1080, thats a 1 and a half rotations.
**** This person will also poke your eye trying to get an eye lash off your cheek, tell you that your lips are chapped, point out that there’s a vein in your face, and say bless you everytime you sneeze followed by a pause and a ‘that was a big one’.

Blue Tile

2009-09-27T19:14:00.002-06:00

If you find yourself in a strange world where blue tile is the only thing you see and the pungent scent of Axe is effecting your eye sight you are in what can only be described as the mens room*. The mens room is where we guys can get together and talk, wash our hands, and look in the mirror for as long as we want to without being judged. Heck, the mens room is where guys can just do what they want!…Right? Wrong. The mens room has a few strict unwritten laws that turn the short pit stop into 2 minutes to prove yourself.

$1- No smiling as you enter the mens room, and unless you’re talking really loudly on your cell phone about a boat/car no talking either.
$2- If you do the thing where you shake someone while they are at the urinal you can go to the bathroom next door.*
$3- Men’s standing arrangements at the urinals should be like planets…there should always be space between them.**
$4- No talking at the urinal. Especially don’t do the thing where you say ‘the water is cold’. And commenting on the hue of your pee and saying how you should drink more or less water is an absolute mens room no-no.
$5- Doing no-handers will get you points.
$6- Breathing heavier than you have to will get you more points.
$7- If it is your birthday you are not allowed to say that you are having your birthday potty.
$8- If you’re looking at the mirror for a reason other than reading graffiti don’t even bother washing your hands.

Yes, to make me seem more manly I made my bullet points money signs. I figured the @ and the % would make me come off as a little too crafty.

I am more than guilty of breaking every single one of those rules*. Does that make me not as much of a man as the guy next to me that breaths heavier than I can? Not at all. I’m going to be honest. I don’t agree with all those rules. If I want to talk politics with the guy two urinals down from me I should be able to do it. If I want to hum a Destiny’s Child song while I wash my hands then you better believe I’m going to do it**. Or maybe, holding it in isn’t the worst idea after all.

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* What I know of the ladies room is what I could take from being pushed into there in elementary school. ‘There’s a couch in there’ my butt.
** I believe the bathroom next door has pink tile and also has the pungent scent of Axe- brought to you by confused women.
*** …what?

* Except the no-hander one. Ask me in 30 years though.
** First I need to learn a Destiny’s Child song…

Catch My Disease

2009-09-27T19:14:00.001-06:00

I haven’t had the flu in years. And by saying that I’m probably going to have it next week. As a mentally struggling child, I thought that everyone in the world got sick in order of when they were born. So after the oldest person alive got sick the last baby born would. I remember I had a picture in my mind of the guy that had it before me and the guy that had it after me and I would always pray that the guy after me wouldn’t have it as bad. And in Kindergarten my teacher read us a book about what germs looked like. The headache germ was a hammer with a face that meant business, the flu germ was an overweight blue guy*, the sore throat germ was a cat-like thing in a suit**, and the cold germ kind of looked like the Kool-Aid guy***. So of course, since it was in my head then, it is now too (same with the fact that it still might be funny to do the farting thing with my arm pit).

You know the feeling, It’s 3am on a school night and you wake up with a violent stomach ache. The first thing that crosses my mind is ‘the last thing I want to do is admit to myself that I’m sick’. But as I lay in bed it becomes more apparent to me that in about 7 minutes I’m going to run like the freaking wind to the nearest bathroom and pour my soul out to the upstairs toilet that recently has been over-flowing too often*. This process will repeat as many times as the overweight blue guy that somehow got into my system wishes that night. The next day consists of me on a couch, with a trash can, with one leg out of my huge blanket to regulate body temperature and a whole lot of ‘The Price is Right’. After several hours of misery I realize that school is getting out. My brothers will come home with a bunch of friends who all take extreme interest in the fact that I’m sick. Questions along the lines of ‘How many times have you thrown up?’ ‘How long are you going to be sick for?’** and ‘Why aren’t you drinking Sprite? My Mom always gives me Sprite.’ are asked as if they’ve never been sick themselves. And as much as they annoy me I hold my breath and hold back coughs so they won’t catch my disease.

You know the feeling, It’s 11pm on a Sunday night and you can’t go to sleep. The thought crosses you that you don’t want to go to school. You begin to plan your morning… I can honestly say that I haven’t fake-sicked since 6th grade but the thought process is still so familiar to me. I remember thinking of all the ways I could act like I’m sick that looking back just made me seem high maintenance. I actually remember using ‘Mom I can’t see color very well and my stomach hurts really bad’ in 1st grade. Once I was granted permission to stay home I would get in a really good mood and offer to go every where with my mom and I would slide around in my socks a lot. But when it came time for school to get out and my brothers brought all of their friends over, of course I would be shot down for trying to hang out because I’m ‘sick’. How did I not see that coming when it happens every single time?

Real sick or fake sick I always find myself miserable by the end of the day. And when the flu has flown and I start to feel better I can only hope that the guy after me is a little bit luckier.
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* Looking back he actually looks like the drummer for The Beets- the band in Doug for those of you who had a life growing up.(1st paragraph)
** It’s been 11 years and I still can’t make the connection of a cat in a suit and a sore throat. If you can figure it out please let me know…I’d like to better know the creature that makes my throat hurt.(1st paragraph)
*** I’m starting to think the author may have been a drug user. Or maybe he’s just German…get it? Germ-man? Because he likes germs?(1st paragraph)

* That toilet isn’t going to take my crap anymore. (2nd paragraph)
** I usually manage to whisper a ‘you’re worthless’ when I get this question. (2nd paragraph)

Orthodontist Appointments < (noun)

2009-09-27T19:13:00.001-06:00

Well, I’m kind of awkward, and I’m 16 years old. What does that tell me? I have braces and probably always will. The orthadontic lifestyle is a cruel one, untill I get better at wearing my rubberbands I will continue to blind anyone who makes me laugh in the direction of the sun*. But what’s worse than wearing them? The place I got them on.

There is a special energy to the words ‘you have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow so I’m going to have to get you out of 3rd period…sorry’ coming out of my mother’s mouth. When I know that I’ll be leaving school early I automaticaly have this attitude that school doesn’t apply to me that day. I don’t write down homework assignments in my planner and I put sassy immature answers to all of my reading comprehension questions (i.e Where did Brutus meet with Calpurnia in scene II? Up your butt and around the corner.). So finally it’s 3rd period, I have a substitute . Can this day get any better? I am so excited to leave it’s not even funny. It’s half way through 3rd period…where the heck is my mom? I take out my phone, no service in the 200 halls. It’s twords the end of 3rd period and a 4 on the attractive scale student aid walks in with a pass. “Shaun Head” my teacher says handing the pass to the slightly overweight kid wearing basketball shorts. Shaun stands up and gives a stupid grin to his friend, a grin that says ‘nobody thinks I’m funny except you and my girlfriend that wears sunglasses in the halls’. Needless to say I hate Shaun. The bell rings and I go to the deans office and see my mom through the window I give her the ‘what the crap?’ look and she says she’s been in there for a half hour but they never sent an aid. This day is turning around quickly. So I finally arrive to the orthodontist, the lady at the desk asks my name, while tempted to be a loser and say ‘your worst nightmare’ I say Tyler Tingey. She then makes a dumb remark like ‘Well Mr. Tingey, did you think 10:30 meant 10:54? Haha!’ I mangage to sqeeze a fake laugh out and then I go sit down. All the songs that I think are terrible outside of the orthodontist office all the sudden become incredible pieces of work. Rod Stuwart and Shania Twain songs will play without fail and I will love them everytime. I also regain a love for TIME magazine. With every issue since May 2006 on the table in front of me, how can I resist? After sitting there for 15 min I hear a womans voice saying ‘Tyler’ I then go to the back where I see several woman all working on kids. I lay down and check my phone for the imaginary text message I thought I had recieved but it was really just me rubbing on the leather chair. A lady* then comes to me and asks me what sports I play. I tell her that I don’t play any sports…but I sing in choir (aka I’m worthless) and then I reflect on the fact that I automaticly talk really high and breathy when I’m talking to nice people I don’t know. After she does a couple of things she puts a silver gun with an orange shield and blue light in my mouth that probably does nothing**. And then my orthodontist just looks at my teeth and uses positive words like ‘perfect’ or ‘winner’ over and over again then tells me I only have 13 months to go***.

At the end of the day what was supposed to make my day great made my teeth hurt and caused me not know what my homework is. Having straight teeth all the sudden becomes the least of my priorities and the 30* shackles in my mouth become my worst enemy but I guess it’s in the job description of an awkward 16 year old…
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* Pros: With a bright enough flashlight I can signal Batman to come to my house.
Cons: With a bright enough flashlight I can take down an airliner or be mistaken for a strip club from miles away. (1st paragraph)

* I believe they are actually called whorethodontists…(2nd paragraph)
** It shoots your brain with waves that make you forget going to the orthodontist is miserable. (2nd paragraph)
*** The job description for an orthodontist is: ask borderline too personal of questions like Were you sad when your mom had a miscarrige?, rotate between 15 positive words to describe someones mouth to make 4 years of braces seem better, and you’re not done till you slap the patient’s cheek and call them champ. (2nd paragraph)

* Yes I counted my teeth. (3rd paragraph)

The Back Of Your Car Is Ridiculous

2009-09-27T19:12:00.000-06:00

It just occured to me that stop lights are some of the most educational periods of my day. With 3 out of every 10 cars having at least one bumper sticker*, how else am I supposed to know that the guy in front of me supports our troops?

You can tell a lot about people just by looking at the back of their car. The other day I was in an intersection and I started checkin’ out the caboose of the car in front of me. This guy had a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be wake boarding”, so either he’s incredibly good at water sports or his friend has a boat and he really likes to go on it and bought this sticker the day he first got up on a board. Most likely on his 15th try. This car also had one of those long family stickers people have with reletively detailed stick figures representing each of the family members. Except it wasnt long. It was just him and his dog with angel wings on it. So either his dog is not a dog at all but in fact a mammal with wings, or his dog is dead. He also had an Obama ‘08 sticker, which tells me he’s in collage and won’t end up voting anyway, or he doesn’t know anything about politics*.

So obviously there’s a lot to learn about someone in the 15 seconds you have at a red light. If they have a sports team sticker you can assume they truly have a passion for that team, or they just bought it the day after they won the Super Bowl to put that “Oh I knew they had it in them all along” feeling in everyone’s day. If they have a sticker of that boy* turned around peeing on the name “Saddam Hussein” you can assume they didn’t get the memo that he’s been dead for 2 years, or maybe they absolutely hate silky shirts and got him mixed up with the clothing company “Hussein”. If they have a “Bush/Cheney 04’” sticker there’s a good chance you cant read it because their car has been keyed so many times. And how revealing are customized license plates? My favorite ones are the ones that say something along the lines of “MI3KIDS” and I just see 3 silhouettes beating the crap out of eachother in the back seat. Or one that might say “GOGREEN” and they are driving a Hummer2 and tapping their cigarette out the window.

I don’t know very much about cars besides the fact that Mustangs made in the 1960’s make me tickle inside and everyone in New York has a Volvo, but I can tell a lot about the people driving them. So stick to the bumper stickers on facebook (on display to your left) and save the abbreviations for texting* and you won’t see people in your rear view mirror mouthing “my gosh this guy loves Dave Matthews Band”.

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* Due to a recent study in 2006 and thanks to the popularity of the Obama campaign. (1st paragraph)
* OOPS! (2nd paragraph)
* I’m pretty sure that boy is Calvin from Calvin in Hobbes but I’ve never cared enough to take a closer look. (3rd paragraph)
* Unless you’re texting me. I apply texts to the Jane Shaffer method. If they don’t have enough concrete sentences and subject nouns good luck hearing back from me.

1 Minute

2009-09-27T19:11:00.000-06:00

Remember this feeling? When your mom was on the phone and you desperately wanted to get her attention for something like “the UPS guy is at the door and he looks like he’s in a bad mood, probably because his shorts hurt him” or “little jimmy* got into the nail polish and drew our family on the car” but all you could get out of her is “1 minute!”? I remember being so impatient with the fact that I would have to wait an entire minute to say what I needed. Of course now if the UPS guy came while my Mom was on the phone I would first, look at him and think to myself how much he looks like Jamie Foxx, then I would just say that I am Kim and I will be signing for the Pottery Barn bed frames that I ordered. Easy as that. I was impatient as a kid, but I will become more and more patient as time goes on right? Wrong. It’s not till now that I realize the full potential of a minute. If my Mom were to tell me “1 minute” now, a few things would flash my mind.
1. I could partially heat up some Bagel Bites in that amount of time
2. I could watch half of one of those ED medication commercials that air on Fox News.
3. I could listen to the only good part of Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand, before the beat slows down, stops making me tap my foot and makes me remember why its a terrible song to wake up to.
4. I could run up the stairs, forget why I went up there, go back down and 45 seconds later remember that I was supposed to get a band-aid for a neighbor kid that scratched himself on the stucco and isn’t even bleeding but needs the band-aid for emotional support.
5. I could ride my bike to a friends house and turn around because I remembered I hate riding bikes about 30 seconds into it.
6. I could drink half a can of cream soda and then be reminded by my stomach why I don’t drink cream soda.
7. I could watch Degrassi just long enough for me to find the remote stuck under the cussions and get bread crumbs and loose change in my fingernails trying to get it out**.
8. I could think about writting a letter.
9. I could answer one of those text messages from an unknown number that say “heyy tInGeY! we didn’t really talk much in spanish but we should hang out this summer!” and still have 57 seconds to spare***.

So knowing that I have the potential to do all of these things in the 1 minute that I’m supposed to wait, how am I supposed to be patient? Knowing that I could repeat the process of washing my hands, then finding something else to dry them on due to lack of towels 50 times during 1 class period, how am I supposed to do anything but look at the clock? Chris Brown once said “Patience is a virture”. And if that’s true, Eddie Murphy on Daddy Daycare was very virtuous, and I have a long way to go.

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*Little Jimmy is a default name for a little boy if you are not funny. (1st paragraph)
** Yes, we eat a lot of bread on our couch. As well as taxes considering the large sum of change wedged in between there. (1st paragraph)
*** It only takes 3 seconds to text “drop dead” and send it. (2nd paragraph)

Elementary School

2009-09-27T19:10:00.000-06:00

Ah…Elementary School…6 years of pure bliss. 7 if you couldn’t pronounce your R’s right*. You know a period of your life was good when you remember your worst problems being: A) Forgetting your lunch at home (current solution- take the opportunity to loose a couple ounces) B) Not being picked for VIP (current solution- change the meaning of VIP to verb-interjection-preposition and create your own mad libs during their presentation**) and C) Heaven forbid you have to pull your green card to yellow and the entire week everyone looks at the behavior chart and thinks about that time you said the word “anus” in class. True story actually… (current solution- yellow is my favorite color anyway***, and besides anus was a vocab word in science the next year so…apology accepted Ms. Dibble)

I vaguely remember how my typical day went at Vanderburg Elementary*. I do however remember the crushing sorrow it brought me to see my mom’s white van driving away and leaving me, my power ranger lunchbox, and my bowlcut to fend for ourselves. But also the similar feelings twords having to leave at the end of the day. It’s kind of like how I would procrastinate taking a bath for as long as I could but once I got in I would make my hair into a distasteful mohawk (which later became the fauxhawk and is widely used among metro guys according to VH1’s I love the New Millenium) and rub my bum on everything in sight while making dinosaur noises (TMI? No, you did it too).

It’s funny to compare myself to who I was in 3rd grade to who I am now. While I still have the same feelings and reactions, I no longer kick trash in P.E. but now I find joy in learning about music theory and writting blogs to myself on a social networking website. I am no longer one of the cool kids in my class. Fashion in 3rd grade was easy. All you needed was an Old Navy T-shirt that said something stupid like “Live free-live navy” across the front and some light washed jeans. Now, I wouldn’t know fashion if it bit me in the butt and called itself “H&M: located in Town Square by the Quicksilver outlet that nobody ever goes to”.

It sure does seem like I was a cooler kid when I was 9. But, maybe 10 years from now I’ll be writting an artical for the New York Times called “High School” and I’ll talk about how I would ditch school to eat mexican food, stay up all night to finish mediocre “get to know you” project’s for supposably “easy-A classes”, come up with secret handshakes with friends that we would forget an hour later, and how the cooler kid that I was in Elementary School is still rubbing his bum on my heart…quite possibly the creepiest conclusion ever.
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* Aww’s wite (1st paragraph)
** If School of Rock was still funny I might refer to this as “sticking it to the man” but it’s not. So it’s just called being a punk. (1st paragraph)
*** The only bit of information about me that you can’t find on the News Feed.(1st paragraph)
* Home of the freaking Voyagers! We kind of had a USC-UCLA rivalry with Twitchell Elementary School. (2nd paragraph)

Guilty Pleasures

2009-09-27T19:09:00.000-06:00

Oh yes…we all have them. Guilty pleasures almost have an energy to them. It’s not out of the ordinary that if I’m meeting someone new I completely stop listening to what they’re saying and think to myself “dang…I hope they don’t know that I think that P!nk song is catchy…” or “crap, if they just said the word “left side” because they know Remember the Titans is like my favorite movie I’m moving to France…” or “I hope they don’t know that I kind of like France…”

When you think about it though, at least for me, It’s the guilty pleasures that make me who I am. Not the person everyone thinks I am, but the person that I know I am. I feel like what other people don’t want us to be creates the skin around our personality.

But what makes guilty pleasures any different that innocent pleasures? Personally, when I think of the word “guilty” I think of O.Jizzay Simpson or Drew Peterson, people that have done terrible things. So does purchasing the Clay Aikan CD really deserve to be associated with the word Guilty? Of course not*. The difference is you wouldn’t want anyone to know about it. Where as if you we’re to purchase any album produced by Timbaland you would be looking for a pat on the back and a “dawg can you burn that for me? Word**.”

For instance, is anybody going to know that I feel like I’m missing out when I’m not home to watch Parent Swap? No. Is anybody going to know that I think Natasha Bedingfield knows whats up? No. Is anybody going to know that Careless Whisper by George Michael is one of the most listened to songs on my iPod? Probably not. Is anybody going to know that I have a dim natural desire to become a professional football player even though I can probably throw a crappy sprial if I’m lucky? No. Is anybody going to know that I have a deep passion for romantic comedy’s? I think the tears streaming down my face after Serendipity gave that one away. And even though all my friends on facebook will never know those things, they are what make me…me.

So feel free to comment with some of your own guilty pleasures! When I’m done playing air guitar to Ashley Simpson I’d be interested in what makes you…you.
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*actually, the purchasing a Clay Aikan CD definately deserves to be associated with the word “guilty”. Maybe even “death sentence”. (2nd paragraph)

** Welcome to 2008, where good manners are obsolete. Now we just say “word”. Word. (2nd paragraph)

E! True Hollywood Story- Cereal

2009-09-27T19:08:00.001-06:00

What do you eat an hour after dinner ends? Cereal. What do you eat in the morning when your mom isn’t there to ask you what you want for breakfast and for you to say “I don’t know”? Cereal. What do you eat at midnight when you would rather die than have to put something in the microwave? Cereal. What’s fruity and happens in a bowl? Nsync at the XXXV Super Bowl half time performance.

The point is, cereal has always been there for us since we were able to slobber on Cheerio’s in our high chairs. But if they offer such an enlightening input to our lives, why is their story so tragic?

-The Trix rabbit for example. How many years have we seen this poor man dress up in janitor costumes and act as a game show host just to get some breakfast? Far too many. Yes, I know Trix are for kids. But I think all of us can find the inner kid in ourselves. In fact I think there was an entire Full House eppisode devoted to Joey doing just that.
-Lets take a look at Uncle Toucan. He has such a strong passion for Froot Loops, he really does. But is he happy? He’s single and maybe around 40 years old, He’s not very hip, and he has his freaking nephews following him around all the time. But do you know what I think? I think he’s that man for sticking to his guns this entire time. Just remember, toucan? youcan!
-The Honey Comb creature. Obviously the guy has problems. Yeah Honey Comb always has the best games on the back of the box, but I don’t think anyone has ever put an arm around him and told him they love him. And I think he knows that. Who knows, maybe it’s because he’s so selfish. It’s always ME want Honey Comb, never THAT HOMELESS GUY ON THE EXIT TO TROPICANA wants Honey Comb. Maybe he does it to himself.
-The Cookie Crisp dog. Haha keep doin’ your thing man. You know what’s up.
-With all this talk about the paparazzi ruining the lives of celebrities has anyone wondered how the Lucky Charm leprechan is holding up? I don’t know of any celebrity being followed anywhere near as much as he has and he seems to be perfectly fine. At least fine enough to come up with the genius idea of having twice as many marshmallows in every bite.

Anyways, I could go on and on about who’s miserable and who’s not, (Rice Crispy guys? I stopped hearing about them after the Jonas Brothers came along) but what it basically comes down to is if we are appreciative. Maybe next time you think about saying “Crap, it’s 7:00pm and all we have is Trix to eat” think about a certain rabbit (a silly one at that) that would dress up in womans clothing to eat those Trix.

In Between Dreams (nothing to do with Jack Johnson)

2009-09-27T19:07:00.000-06:00

I hate it when this happens, when you’re with a friend and they say “Oh! I had the craziest dream last night!” and you know they might as well just say “Hey grab a seat because I’m about to tell you a long boring story you can’t relate to!”. And they’ll go on to tell you about how they we’re fighting Russian spies with their bare hands and how they won the lottery but ended up giving it to charity, and you find yourself cursing the world for this miserable experience, wondering why they would ever tell you this, so you modestly ask “Was I in your dream?” and you just get smacked in the face with a “Uhh oh yeah! But you died in the beginning”.

I’ll admit it. There’s been a lot of talk…and its true…I love Wikipedia. AND I love Wikiquote! The other day I was looking at American proverbs* and I came across this one that said “Dreams are not the ones which come in your sleep, but they are the ones which will not let you sleep.” I thought that was a really cool concept.

So I can fall asleep and find myself in a store that looks like all my friend’s houses put together and see a kid that was in my fourth grade class but then moved to Italy** for untold reasons wearing a turban and he leads me down a dark hall and tells me that his people won’t be free unless I sword fight a panther and I wake up with a head ache wondering why the crap I have the theme song for Catdog stuck in my head and I can just brush it off.

I’m at an age where I’m not only trying to find who I am but who I will be 10 or 20 years from now. And what am I going to become? Whatever is keeping me from paying attention in math class. Of course its not going to help that I’m not paying attention in math class. I can only hope that I’ll be a husband and father living in one of those houses that you go into the nook and walk till you’re convinced that the house also has a chamber of secrets.

What can you gather from all of this? If you wake up from a dream that involved you and the characters of 7th Heaven on a pirate ship you can say to yourself that one day you might live in a house with a lot of food storage space…Maybe dreams are better to just be brushed off.

* I didn’t know there was such a thing either.
** There was a couple of those actually…

Trailers

2009-09-27T19:06:00.000-06:00

Often times when I notice a trend in things or a stereotype of a certain group of people I put a lot of thought into it, and while I’m thinking I start to realize that I sound like a crappy stand up comic that points things out like “Man i’d hate to be left handed *crowd cheers* Do you ever think they get mad when they’re trying to open a microwave and they have to reach across the entire machine just to cook some bagel bites? I mean It’s not their fault they’re the mutants of society! *crowd continues to cheer probably out of pity*”. But here’s a little something I’ve noticed.

It seems like everytime I go to the movies I’m in a rush because I want to get there in time to first: see “The 20” (I haven’t been there on time since it was called the 20) so I can see what Hootie and the Blowfish just did for some theme song for a show on FX, and to get stressed out for the rest of the day because I know that “The Closer” is going to have another season. Second: So I can see the movie trailers. It suprises me that I’m so excited to see the trailers when I know darn well that every single one will follow this exact format:

-You see the main character, he’s about to do something like jumping off a dam.
-You realize it’s Ben Stiller
- Some 70’s hit starts to play i.e Brick House
- He jumps off the dam and his pants fall off
- Then he’s in New York City on a motorcycle
- The shot zooms out and the motorcycle has training wheels
- There a lot of explosions
- You see the love interest of the movie and they are just unattractive enough to make you start to trail off and think about things like “huh maybe those little cookie dough bites are worth $4”.
- There are more explosions and the music starts to get louder
- Some how they fit a bull dog ruining a dinner
- A guy gets hit in the crotch and the music stops, then it shows the character used for comedy relief (usually has a fro or some other physical flaw) and he says something like “he’s not going to be a happy camper”
- End (untill the low budget sequal)

Maybe I only pay attention when I see a comedic genius like B-stills, but I’m pretty sure almost every trailer flows this way, from Mr. McGoo to The Longest Yard it’s all the same.

That Guy

2009-09-27T19:03:00.001-06:00

Whenever I’ve been in an uncomfortable period of my life where I just don’t feel like I could ever be close to my peers I always think “It may be this way now, but the people of planet earth will get better”. And It’s that same attitude that makes me so appalled to the fact that I keep seeing “That Guy” everywhere. You know exactly what guy I’m talking about. He’s absolutly everywhere. He’s the guy in every single crowd doing the whistling with his fingers, he’s the guy that makes a gay joke when you sit with your legs crossed, he’s the guy that still highlights the tips of his hair (that guy thrived in 1999), he’s the guy that stands next to you in the urinal and actually talks to you. My point is, we live in a society full of “That Guy’s”

Luckily, I have a small list of ways to avoid “That Guy”. Why? Because I love you. You’re my friends and I don’t want you to be in an unwieldly situation the next time you’re in the In n out line and the guy next to you starts singing “Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls in a bitter falsetto voice.

1. Always avoid holding a Mountain Dew in your hand. It’s basically a sign telling That guy’s “Hey, no worries, I’m one of you”.
2. Avoid listening to P.O.D at all costs.
3. Don’t see Adam Sandler movies in theaters. Movie theaters are a habitat for That Guy’s when there is an Adam Sandler movie out.
4. Dont see Adam Sandler movies even when they aren’t in theaters.
5. Keep a low profile at public pools. A dead give away that someone is a That Guy is if they yell “CANNON BALL!” before jumping in subsequently getting your cell phone wet. The problem with this is that That Guy’s pretty much take shifts on saying cannon ball at public pools.
6. 20% of That Guy’s will be wearing Oakland Raiders jerseys.
7. Vampires can be warded off by crosses and garlic, That Guy can be warded off by simply saying “I like George Bush”.

I hope these pointers will give you confidence to deal with these obnoxious beings of our generation. After all, I truly think the people of planet earth will get better.